nightmares real and imagined
Too much tragedy on my mind, I guess: The girl who was the secretary before me at the clinic called us Wednesday to tell us her fiance had been killed in a work accident. He had been in Iraq for over a year and was home for a few months and died of electrocution working on power lines. I'm so sad for my friend and her son, who called her fiance "Daddy." I'm so frustrated for her also, because of the timing. If they'd been married she would have recieved some financial benefits and have fewer money worries on top of her grief.
I've been following the story of the Kim family, too, maybe for longer than most of us East-Coasters. So many of my blog-friends are on the West coast and they mentioned the missing father this week. I just hurt for that family. Such a new baby, and she and her big sister so suddenly without their father. I can't even pretend to imagine the loss their mother feels.
The worries turned into a nightmare. The baby was playing with Shane on a trailor hitch flatbed thing, and I reached for her because I saw she was lying on the edge. She fell then, into a steep creek embankment filled with rocks and very shallow water. It was a slow motion, sickening thing, watching her fall. I started to dive headfirst after her, then realized I'd kill myself. I ran down the embankment and found her at the bottom. She was breathing, but there were shards of rock stuck into her head. I was afraid to move her but almost did, then I worried her neck was broken so I just held her and told her "Keep breathing, baby, stay with me, stay with me." The realism of these dreams is awful. A few nights ago, I dreamt she was diagnosed with a heart defect and was going to die. Each time, I woke up with the beginnings of a tension headache and had to get up, check on the baby, and drink a glass of water and some pain reliever. I wonder if my subconscious has trouble when she sleeps in her crib. I haven't had any nightmares when she sleeps with us.
I'd like to cosleep full time, I think, but there are problems. I always put her in her crib at first, anyway, because she goes to bed around 8, and I need to have some awake grown-up time. Also, Shane's not a fan of keeping Molly in our bed after infancy, and it's so hard to get her used to sleeping alone if she gets used to it now. The half-crib, half-cosleeping arrangement we have now is working fine for now. She wakes at 4 or 5 a.m. to nurse, and then sleeps with us the rest of the morning. I guess as she starts sleeping longer at night it'll evolve into her staying in her room. (If she ever sleeps longer than that. Not that I'm complaining, I'm all too aware that many babies nurse all night long.) I'll miss her though.
I guess it's the nightmare, but I'm being totally clingy. She's had more kisses today than I can count. Snuggle time has been pretty much an all day thing. I just can't let go of that warm tiny body that's so fragile and light. She still feels so baby-ish and little- comparing her to a couple of babies of friends who were chunky monkeys at six months. I love my dainty Little Bit.
Will I ever stop being so anxious and frightened of losing her? If I don't chill sometime soon, I am so not going to be the groovy laid back Mama I want to be. Or maybe I will- I told Shane I'll be the worrier until puberty and then he can take over. I'm totally comfy dealing with sex and drugs and the fun teen rebellion things, but he's so not. He's already joking about being the typical backwoods WV dad sittin' on the porch with a shotgun to meet her dates. Laugh now with me- I'll be crying about it later when he really tries to pull some redneck macho bullshit.
3 comments:
I'm with you Heidi, on the leaving the sex & drugs to daddy. I'm cool with that stuff. He's the one who worries. It's the preserving of their young and fragile beings that terrifies me. I look back now and think that my mom was so brave...five of us. And she seemed so calm. I guess she was just good at hiding it. Maybe that is all we have to do, pretend for the kids' sake that we are mellow and groovy and easy-going. Inside, we are a frenzied knot of nerves.
It sucks to feel plagued with more nightmares and anxiety than is helpful. I feel you. I really, really do. At Molly's age, I was still checking on Satchel every 5 minutes to make sure he was breathing. You shed light on an aspect of my cosleeping. Maybe I've continued having Satchel in our bed because it makes ME feel safe. Thanks for that.
Hiya-
We kept Mary in bed every night through six months. I agonized over removing her. I knew I had to for my own well-being because a.)she ate all night and I was not getting good sleep and b.)I had to take go to bed when she did giving me NO time to myself.
Agonize...agonize...and then we just pulled the tigger and popped her in her own crib. She was FINE. A little angry but not all disoriented and confused like I thought she'd be. 2 months later, I am well rested, she only makes up once to eat, and life is good.
My point is, you won't ruin her by co-sleeping. When you decide the time is right, she'll adjust, I think. It's what I elarn from parenting over and over:nothing is as bad as the anticipation.
Sorry about the anxiety. Just part and aprcel of the whole experience, I fear. I think what stops us all form curling up in a ball and quivering is that the worry takes away from our enjoyment of the little such and suches, and it hardly seems worth sacrificng any of that.
Best,
M.
Um, we pulled no tigger. It was a trigger. She doesn't even have a tigger (too damn bouncy).
And furthermore, she doesn't make up. Nor does she wear make up. I tell her she has to wait until she is 9 months for that. She wakes up.
I don't know what elarn is. Or aprcel. These are not words. But they look like the words they were meant to be. And sacrificing has one more i.
Please excuse the illiteracy. Carry on.
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