off to Grandma's

My lifestyle’s making me insane. Tag-team parenting is bullshit; I want full days with the three of us. I can handle being a working mom, but not a double working mom. It’s great we’ve had design work lately but working evenings and weekends and plopping Molly in front of videos is freaking me out. Also, my house is a pit of filth. I’m feeling so torn in half right now. Molly’s been on a half-assed nursing strike, so I’m spending as much time as I can skin-to-skin in bed with her to encourage her to nurse. The past couple days the only time she’ll nurse is going down for a nap, during the nap, and waking up. So we’ve had a couple of marathon feedings and then nothing in the afternoon and evening. There are also new and exciting Biting–Ouch-Unlatch-Wait-Relatch-Biting-Repeat rituals. I broke down in tears yesterday, worried I won’t figure this out and she’ll wean early. My dad called yesterday, and I told him she has four (almost) teeth and he said, “So breastfeeding’s over?” I said, “No it means mama has to be brave…hahaha.” I thought at the time, “Gods he doesn’t know me very well at all”- somewhat unfortunate but true. Now, however, I’m quickly gaining sympathy for all my friends who weaned when their babes grew teeth.

I have so much to do this weekend, so the Birdie’s been with the grandies for a while now. I don’t want to let go of her right now for a minute. She’s changing so fast, and she’s wanting cuddle time less and less. Every minute seems heartbreakingly precious, and I resent every one I can’t spend with her.

So when my aunt just called and told me that she needs me to take shift at Grandma’s, I was secretly thrilled*. (She has a sprained ankle and the other’s mending from a break. She has a wheelchair now, and needs someone there all the time since last weekend.) She goes to bed really early, and might be asleep when the baby and I get there. I can spend the evening watching actual cable TV and being unable to work- and therefore unable to feel guilty. We’ll make breakfast in the morning and then turn her over to my brother for Sunday afternoon.

We’re having a family meeting Friday to discuss how to get her into a care home. I’m so relieved that this is her idea. I do think she’ll be happy with a small community of her contemporaries, and I’ll feel so much better knowing she’ll have round the clock care. I really wish she could come live with me, but there are so many reason’s it’s not feasible. I think she’ll be happier soon, and I hope I’m not painting a pretty picture out of something that’s not what I think.

It’s all an unknown right now… I miss my mom so bad I can’t stand it right now. My grandma is my link with her, and my aunt and brother. That small family is so important to me. We aren’t spending enough time together- another stress point.

So I’m going to pack up the Boue and head to Grandma’s. Just talked to her and she’s up- yay:)

*ETA: Secretly thrilled? Why secretly thrilled? It's not like Grandma's a chore. We had a good time, except for the part where I cried and cried lying in the bedroom where Mom's hospital bed used to be. Grandma got to see Molly steps:)

melancholy

I feel so overwhelmed and anxious right now. Grandma fell (she still has a cast on her broken ankle from last time she fell. This a.m. wasn't a bad fall I guess) this morning, so my brother E & I were talking

to cheer myseelf up:
Mamaloo of Momcast tells me that fenugreek works by sweetening the milk, and she says that they put in on old dry hay to make it yummier for the horses. The sweetness in mama's milk makes it attractive to nurse, so the baby raises the supply by demanding more. I had no idea that's why it works and I think it's the most darling piece of trivia I've ever heard.

this afternoon about what will happen... . E was with her shortly after. She wants to move to a nursing home, and we both have the feeling that our aunt is very reluctant to do that.

Then E called this evening and told me she fell again. She's at the hospital right now getting X-rayed. She might have broken the other ankle, and has a huge bump on the back of her head. E says the aunt may be realizing now that supervised care is necessary, but they didn't really talk in depth.

I'm waiting to hear more, and worrying. I'm scared we're all going to disagree about how to care for her. We have few options. E works midnights, our aunt works evenings, and I work days all the fucking time and have the baby of course. Bu needs the car evenings for work... my head's spinning.

Meanwhile, I'm racing against time to get design work done by Monday, so Molly's plan ted in front of the goddamn TV again with Baby Einstein for the 6,789th time today, and she's going to spend most of tomorrow with the grandies and I feel like shit. The house is like an angry box yelling at me about how much mortgage we owe and how many loads of dirty dishes and laundry I we need to do.

Hormones are not my friend in this mental state. My period's starting again. Seems to come when I neglect to pump or nurse for longer than I should. That's stressing me too. I know better than to go out for the evening and not pump, or to forget it when I go to work. I'm worrying about my supply, and being paranoid about Molly being too skinny. I'm going to get some fenugreek capsules tomorrow.

oh, shiraz be praised!

OK, I promised myself I wouldn't waste any of this evening blogging. Hey- if a girl can't lie to herself, who can she lie to? (Read: "To whom can she lie?" Whatever. My mission is to relax, so that must include prepositional sins.)

Molly's playing with race cars at Papaw's & Mamaw's, and will be snuggly co-sleeping with them tonight, a full half-mile from the nummins. Me, I'll be nursing a bottle of wine (and, intermittently, a pump) and catching up on design work. Then, I’ll crawl into bed with my husband, and sleep curled up with him and some good thick cloth nursing pads until morning.

Day’s been good. Dropped the Mollybird off at the grandies’, went to a very brief meeting with a very cool new web design client. Worked at the clinic a few hours on a mailing for a fundraiser, then went to nurse Molly and visit. The in-laws fed me, bless them. Came home, pumped, for the baby’s belly was full of peas & squash. (Also they gave her a taste of strawberry, but observe how I’m not wigging- the mission statement, remember- even though the yummy berries are a notorious allergen. She had no reaction and apparently liked it, so whatever.) Then I opened my bottle of Shiraz, actually remembering to dribble a few drops on the earth (OK, a houseplant = lazy pagan) for Dionysos.

So… this is me, having a break. I counted nursies last night? Five times between bedtime and waking, six if you count her breakfast nummins. Can you say reverse cycle? I don’t know if it counts as reverse cycling, since each session’s like 3-4 minutes. Also, I betcha $5 she’ll only wake twice for Mamaw & Papaw. I am a pacifier. It’s OK, but I’m glad I have such great in-laws to ship her off to for a night.

Jeez, Papaw, it’s not necessary to call me to tell me the Boue’s having a nap. ‘Specially since you just called 10 minutes ago to make sure I wasn’t missing a cool program on TV.

No, that's not my wine photo. Check out the awesome stock-photo postin' peeps @ stockexchange.