reflections

I'm really enjoying this creative outlet. It's relaxing to sit in my dark, cozy basement office and collect my thoughts, process my day, reflect back. The baby monitor's by my side, and the rhythm of Molly's swing is calming me as much as it is her right now.

My day started in the most sublime way. I was rocking and nursing Molly, my eyes closed in the dawn light, consciously focusing on the quiet, sweet moment. I opened my eyes lazily, and noticed that we were reflected in the glass on a photograph of my mother on the opposite wall. I've never noticed that before, and it filled me with such a strong, fierce love for the woman I hold in my heart and the tiny one I held in my arms. It wasn't a sadness for mom, it was just a comforting, real knowledge of my place in the world. I realized a few days back that the anniversary of her death had passed and I hadn't noticed. This is the fifth year since her passing. I think she'd be overjoyed that my day was so full of caring for my new daughter that I didn't feel any grief that day.

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I took Molly to work with me for a couple of hours this morning and she was sweet as pie. She was a wailing banshee afterwards, apparently, for her dad. He was frazzled when they picked me up. I can't stand the idea of her being fussy when I can't be there to comfort her. It makes working that much harder. But, since I spent much of my day on the phone with an extremely rude bill collector, we absolutely cannot afford for me to quit. This is the hardest thing I've ever done, maybe- just leaving her in the mornings. I hope we can get the business rolling along better, and bring in enough money for both of us to work from home soon.