positivity & artistic limbo
Warmer day, start of my weekend. Feeling groovy today: perky, possibly to an annoying degree. Hence, a digi doodle for you:
This is a welcome change from yesterday, in which Bu and then I plummeted into a Funk. Apparently, for me, it was a short lived Funk, which rocks, as I have been known to wallow for months in a dark place. Thank gods I seem to be moving further away from that as I grow more wrinkles and silver hairs. My impression of my life is that I was sleepwalking from age 15-25. A decade lost to just nothing.
I'm doing a lot of daydreaming about reinvinting my life, "Evolution of a moon-eyed etc..." being the presumptive raison d'etre for this blog. Molly has changed me so drastically and beautifully that it's wild. I was thinking about that nursing a wiggle baby fighting sleep while I watched a Sex and the City rerun. It was an episode before Miranda had Brady and there was a pregnant chick breakdown. Their minds were blown pondering how much it changes you, being a mother. My reaction is that it change as much as you want it to. I wanted, needed my daughter to allow me to focus on something huge outside myself. I see her as a cuddly little fire lit under my ass to get my life in order.
When I got pregnant, I wondered what the impact of motherhood would be on my artistic life. Certain professors of the non-namesake variety (Molly's named after my ceramics prof) seem to think it's pretty much a death sentence for my hypothetical career. So, what I thought was that I want her to see me being the best version of myself I can be- that includes producing art regularly. I think it would be so harmful to her to see her mother wasting her talent.
How much art have I made in the time span since I was barely pregnant?
Zero art.
The thing is, it isn't the diapers and the nursing and working two jobs. It's my slacker self doing the same thing I've always done-nothing of consequence. For hours at a time.
So I'm trying to organize this life and family. We are living so loosely, with no routine and no direction. The baby's sleeping in with us then is up too late. The business plan's sitting there in a notebook with weeks?months? of dust on. My studio is a catch all storage room piled to ceiling with miscellania. My clay is in dried bricks, my kiln has never been turned on.
I'm implementing some ideas from The {cheesy} Secret, and I'll go into more detail later about that. My biggest thing need is to just create some structure in my/our life. I've got to start managing time better. I mean I will, I will, I will. I've become the thought police, trying to frame things positively. Constant battle.
Oh, and look: blog pretty again:) It's evolving too. Yay for BlogU.
5 comments:
I SO, SO hear you on this. I really can relate. That is part of the reason that I started to blog, also, to keep some creativity alive and to keep in touch with seeing the world with fresh eyes.
I am also loving your reference to the 'cheesy' secret and I'll give you a gem which has similar principles...a quote from Yoda.
"Do or do not. There is no try."
First of all, the new design is gorgeous. Second of all, I think that becoming a mom is a big, mind-blowing change, and you need some time to adjust to it, to get your head above water. For me, I really felt like I was starting to get things figured out when my son was 13 months old and started sleeping (finally) through the night. I felt really energized and creative again. I'm sure it'll come to you, and when it does, it'll be even stronger because you've found a whole new facet to yourself as a mom.
What Betsy said. Hang in there. The first year is all about getting your bearings. Heavens, you've been responsible only for yourself up until now so the gargantuan task of being responsible for another living human that rarely sleeps can sap the energy out of you.
K, the kicker here is that I'm not convinced I did so well being responsible for myself those 29 years previously. But, I'll get it all worked out.
New Girl, I love that Yoda quote:) Actually, I kept thinking of Jedis when I watched The Secret. I kept hearing Qui-Gon Jinn saying "Your focus determines your Reality." Which it so does.
I've barely written and haven't painted at all. I feel you. It's coming back now, slowly. It takes time to adjust to being someone else.
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